The Value of Tolerance
Ridding myself of smugness and embracing courtesy
“I believe smugness is the very worst sin of all. Only with great difficulty does a shaft of light pierce the armor of self-righteousness.”
-Lois W. (How Al-Anon Works Step Three)
“We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 67 (Step Four Resentment Prayer)
We are an intolerant bunch. No doubt about it. Even in my meetings, I find myself being intolerant of other alcoholics who just don’t seem to do it right. This used to happen all the time when I would see a member open up his or her phone during the meeting. Not just to check something. No—instead actually sitting on the phone for several minutes during the readings or shares. It would drive me absolutely crazy.
I thought about the cell phone at meetings thing this week. My reaction is no longer there. Instead I have an understanding that phones are very addictive devices and that many, many people are addicted to their technology. Easy does it.
Recently I have had longtimer AA’s express to me their absolute abhorrence of Zoom meetings. Why can’t people just come to meetings? Are they somehow disabled and cannot show up? Why do we persist in providing a hybrid option at some meetings?
As someone who has always been very grateful for Zoom meetings, I do not share their opinion. I have experienced some of the very best Al-Anon meetings on Zoom. My sponsor and I swap Zoom ID’s of powerful meetings we have discovered. I even recently made a list of Zoom meetings for the women I sponsor so they know where I will be at meetings throughout the week. While I acknowledge what a friend reminded me of yesterday, that he has a hard time paying attention on focusing on a Zoom meeting, online meetings in general have had a powerful impact on recovery and are here to stay.
Intolerance. It is so much easier to judge people and situations than to be tolerant. People and situations we may have an incomplete understanding of. And why? Isn’t it because once again we think our own way is best? Stuck in the pride and self-centered fear that other people do things the way they want to do them and not according to our expectations and self-will? While we claim to be such tolerant people, I have been astonished to see the intolerance of others—and of myself.
Yes, I am also intolerant. Not of cell phones. Nope. I have a new intolerance—and that is of other members and their sobriety. Instead of focusing on myself, I judge what they call sober against what I know to be the truth, and it drives me crazy. Yes, I am intolerant as well. Unable to just live and let live. Feeling that I have to convince you that my definition of sobriety is correct and you better fall in line. Why? Because if you don’t fall in line, I will be extremely uncomfortable sitting in the meeting with you. That sounds like a Step Three problem to me. Once again the problem is not with the other person—it is within me.
The Eleventh Step Prayer—the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi, gives me one way out of this insane need to control other people. In this prayer I ask God to help me to understand rather than to be understood. Just what would it mean if I could understand the person who is struggling with self-honesty about his or her own sobriety? All of a sudden the judgment stops and compassion enters in. It is extremely hard to get sober and to keep that sobriety. There are so many easier, softer ways. And there for the grace of God go I.
Another important tool is courtesy. This is one of the most important concepts I learned in Al-Anon early on. There is a certain condescension with “tolerance”. Yes, in all of my self-righteous smugness I will tolerate you. But just as long as you understand that I think I am better than you.
However, courtesy is filled with love and compassion—with understanding. If I can show real courtesy to the suffering member I may stand a chance to accept what is instead of fighting against reality. The reality is that getting and staying sober is the most difficult thing I have ever done—and this is true for all alcoholics.
Today I will practice seeing you the way God sees you. I cannot help but have love in my heart when I take this approach.