To conclude that others were wrong
Step Four: I am a victim in my resentments
“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitively grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.”
Alcoholics Anonymous p. 66 (Step Four)
In his writing on Step Four, Bill W. gives us the specific reason why we need to complete this resentment inventory: if we fail to do so, we will die. Will this death happen immediately? Probably not. But the above paragraph from the Big Book reveals that the cost of deep resentment is startling. Bill intentionally uses the word “death” in three different words: grave, fatal, and die. Alcohol itself will not be the cause of this death. No, alcohol will come into the picture again, but it will be a result of my spiritual death. The spiritual death comes first. I will be shut off from the sunlight of the Spirit, which is the God of my understanding. Once I lose God, the obsession of the mind will certainly return.
Because I have chosen to have a new experience in the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have to be willing to take a good hard look at the result of deep resentment in my life. The Big Book speaks to me today as a long-term member of AA just as it did when I was new. If I hold onto deep resentment, I will shut myself off from God; the insanity of alcohol, my mental obsession, will certainly return again; and I will drink again. And, for me, just as for all alcoholics of my type, to drink again will ensure that I will die a hopeless and miserable alcoholic death. This is exactly what I was trying to prevent when I entered AA 18 years ago.
So I got busy. I wrote out my four columns in my journal and filled out each resentment—going across all four columns. Who am I pissed at? What did they do? What part of self was affected by this? What were my mistakes? You see, when I follow the instructions in the Big Book, it takes all of the confusing emotion out of this inventory. It then truly becomes a fact-finding and fact-facing business. What a relief! While most of my resentments were against individuals, and therefore inappropriate to share with my Ask Anonymous readers, here is one example of an “institution” that I also had a resentment against, my own house:
Column 1: My house
Column 2: Everything keeps breaking. I had to fix my oven, buy a new washer and dryer, and a new dishwasher. These expenses are adding up and I worry I may not be able to afford everything.
Column 3: Affects my security (fear)
Column 4: My mistakes: I paid probably too much money trying to fix appliances that really were very old and just needed to be replaced.
This may seem like a benign example, but the truth is that this stuff with my house has made me really angry over the last six months. It belongs on the inventory. I have had so much fear over money (which I will get to in next week’s post on the “fear” inventory) that sometimes I can’t see straight. It always seemed like one more time, here we go again! with this house. It has been inconvenient with my work schedule and very costly. In fact, I began to feel victimized by my own house. And when I start to feel like a victim of my circumstances, I know I am in trouble—so much trouble. I love self-pity. And then I become very unhappy. I am no longer the problem, because the problem is somewhere out there.
The truth is that in all of my resentments, where my primary problem becomes “them,” I lose my agency—I become a powerless victim. If I am the problem, I am also the solution. But with my warped thinking that feeds these resentments, I am not the problem, and therefore there is no solution. This inventory helps me see this very clearly.
I am never happy to complete another resentment inventory. It makes me feel new and vulnerable. I like to be old and self-assured in my program. However, I need to do it. Once again, I cannot gain freedom from an 18-year-old experience with the Steps of AA. A lot has changed in 18 years. I must have a current experience. And once again my sobriety instinct to do this process again was correct. I had a lot of resentments on my inventory. I wrote them down. I can now take a good hard look at them all.
Suggestions for sponsorship:
At the end of Step Three, I suggested that the sponsee begin the resentment inventory immediately (following the instructions in the book), so your sponsee should have this inventory ready to go.
You may choose to go over the resentment inventory with the sponsee as soon as they finish, or simply give them the next assignment: the fear inventory.
If you decide to hear the sponsee’s 5th step on resentments before proceeding to the fear inventory, plan on doing this in the morning if possible and allow a couple of hours. You will need a private space (in your home or your local AA club in a private room). At the end, complete the reading below on the fear inventory and give that assignment as follows in the next instruction.
If the sponsee will first complete the fear inventory, give them one week to complete before giving the sex harms inventory assignment. The reading for the fear inventory is bottom of page 67 to the bottom of page 68. Complete the reading together before giving the assignment. It is simply a list of all fears that are current. Have them be as specific as necessary. It must be written down.