To speak or not to speak

Why asking for what I need terrifies me

“I am free to take care of myself in any way I deem necessary, whether or not anyone else likes my choices.”

-Hope for Today July 17

I have two styles of communication when disagreement or conflict arises. The first is my old former alcoholic way of arguing and yelling until you give in to my way of thinking. The second style, which has become much more common for me in sobriety is to have no voice, listen to what offends me, not respond at all, and then suffer in silence with hurt feelings.

Neither of these extremes are effective means of communication. In the first style I am bullying to get my way—in the second, I have no voice. These are the extremes of our disease. Everything is black and white with no shades of gray. And it is unhealthy.

Here are a couple of recent illustrations of how these styles do not work.

I was driving on June 28 to Ohio to see my friend and her daughter. As it was my AA anniversary, I got a lot of phone calls that day. I pulled into a rest stop to gas up and use the restroom. My phone rang—and it was an old friend from the program who had completely blown me off with plans we had a month prior. He was not calling to wish me happy anything. Instead, he wanted to know what I was doing. When I told him, he got a little hostile that I was traveling out of town (which was bizarre). Perhaps he wanted to get together, but I never got a chance to find out. Nor did I even get the chance to tell him I had a new boyfriend. Nope! As fate would have it, we became disconnected. I did not call him back, nor did he call me. I guess my not calling him back was a response, but it was not a response I consciously chose. The choice had been made for me. He was mad at me and I was stunned. I could not respond.

Much more recently, this happened in my new relationship. We were talking on the phone and he was saying some things to me in a way that made it seem like my life wasn’t good enough for him. I was pretty hurt by this. I didn’t say anything (again, not a conscious choice) and let him go on and on. And then we hung up. I was so upset. Once again I couldn’t respond when someone’s words actually hurt me. But then I did respond through text message. I was very afraid to do this, after all, he might leave me if I told the truth. He apologized and we talked it out the next time we saw each other. This is a big change for me and is extremely uncomfortable. But I need the practice. And I no longer wish to throw away perfectly wonderful relationships with people I care about because I can’t speak honestly for myself in a way that is neither condemnatory nor appeasing.

I am learning from these experiences. Al-Anon has given me excellent tools for taking care of myself when communicating with others. In the suggested meeting closing, it is suggested that we “talk to each other, reason things out with someone else.” Easier said than done. When I expressed my thoughts with my partner about what had happened with our previous conversation, I immediately was afraid that he would leave me. I thought I would be punished for saying anything at all. This is old thinking—a result of how I have been affected by another person’s drinking. Staying silent is an old survival skill which no longer benefits me.

I find a great deal of help available to me in CAL (Al-Anon’s Conference Approved Literature). In one of Al-Anon’s primary texts, How Al-Anon Works, there is an entire chapter on communication. I have also found that the brief book, The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, is a very helpful tool that directly addresses the issue of communication between partners, married or not. Finally, my newest read, Discovering Choices: Recovery in Relationships has given me refreshing perspectives on the same problems I have experienced in relationships. And these books apply not just to drinking partners, but to recovering ones as well. After all, I am a recovering alcoholic and Al-Anon myself, so each of these books directly applies to me regardless of the qualification of my loved one. I am providing links to each of these helpful texts.

And, above all, I always remember that love, like anything else, is One Day at a Time.