Viewing a situation from a completely different angle

Finally seeing where I was wrong

“We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves.”

-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 76 (Step Nine)

Resentment is a killer for an alcoholic. I have had incredible anger over the last several months that I have not been able to resolve through my step work. I have actually written two four-column inventories in the last six months and I was still not finding relief from this anger. I have been holding on to the injustice done to me for a long time. What they did to ME. The blame game has been eating my lunch.

I am so grateful for the speakers we can access so easily online. I listen to the Mad Dog Recovery podcast and have been listening to a pretty intensive nine-part workshop for the past 6 weeks. I listen to one of the tapes and then often go back a day or two later to listen again. Thursday as I was driving to work I listened to Mark H. and Dave F. speaking about forgiveness and the Ninth Step. Because I have had such a hard time with forgiveness and anger over the past several months, this perspective really interested me. Dave was holding on to something that he simply could not forgive. And he stated that he could not make the amends until he had forgiven the people involved.

Mark had a different angle. He has not dealt with forgiveness for years. He acknowledges that all people are doing the very best they can at the moment. Most people who are causing harm are not doing so consciously. Instead, most people are asleep dreaming they are awake. There is no awareness. No self-searching. And this I have found to be so true. I did not consciously set out to harm the people I did in my drinking. It was a by-product of living on self-will. Later, when I did my steps, I saw what I did. But that did not happen until I was willing to put pen to paper. and follow the directions from my sponsor, which she got from the Big Book.

People are not intending to harm me. Let me say that again: People are not getting out of bed thinking, “How can I hurt Jamey today?”. No, people are just living their lives in the only way they know how for that given day. It has nothing to do with me.

When I finally figured this out for my own situation, I was able to forgive. Actually, like Mark, I determined that there was no need for forgiveness. These folks could have done no differently. They were just like me.

When I made this assertion, I was then free to make amends. This is the area where my step work had been lacking and is exactly why I wasn’t getting relief from fourth step to fourth step. I had not completed my amends.

Now I have one of three amends letters written. I had not written an amends letter in over 17 years. My experience then was that it was the ninth step that gave me freedom, not the fifth step you so often hear about in meetings. I have faith that the ninth step is what I actually needed to finally cease the deadly resentments I have possessed for so many months now.

How did I feel after writing the letter, looking ONLY at my part, as I was always instructed to do by my sponsor? Well, I clearly saw my part. And I mean in HD. I had controlled, managed, and manipulated. I had no trust in my Higher Power and thought I had to play God. I was always unhappy with the results and exerted myself more. And none of it actually worked. It turns out that I was powerless over another human being. In fact, with all of my attempts to manage and effective manipulation, I took away this person’s dignity. This person I claimed to care for. That is exactly what I do in my self-will. When this person ran from me, I was shocked and devastated. I spent the next several months absolutely blind to my own actions that contributed to our demise. I only saw what this person had done. Over and over I replayed these resentments. Over and over I re-felt the hurt. I honestly believed in my delusion that I had done nothing wrong, and this kept me STUCK.

I am so grateful for humility. I spent much of yesterday crying after seeing the truth in that amends letter. I came face to face with my own actions. While I do not yet feel free, I have incredible faith in my Higher Power and in the programs of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. The steps have saved me before, and I believe my ability to let go is finally coming.