We must be rid of this selfishness--or it kills us
Step Three: We had to have God's help
“And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous p. 62 (Step Three)
Untreated alcoholism. You don’t hear many shares in meetings about this one. However, people like me, with my time in sobriety, are very susceptible to it. I lose my surrender, and I am once again trying to run the entire show on my own power and refuse to ask for God’s help.
And how does that turn out? Not very well. Now whether I decide to exert myself more will depend largely on my willingness to take a good, hard look at Step Three—not the step off the wall and not the prayer. I first need to really look at how self is manifesting itself in my current experience. It is not a pretty picture.
It’s always something new that I am so desperately trying to manage and control on my own. For the last couple of years it was work. Now it is love and all of the questions personal relationships bring up. My Big Book assures me that I must rid myself of this selfishness. That I must rid myself of all of my little plans and designs and accept the help from my Higher Power. Accept that he has a greater plan for my life and that I can—just for today—completely take my hands off of my own life.
I was reading a spiritual book* yesterday that focuses on practicing my faith through the principles enveloped in the 23rd Psalm. The pastor who wrote the book talks about returning to our defects (which he describes as sins). He talks about when we make mistakes and feel ashamed. And I have had a whole lot of that going on in the past few months. He writes that in our regret, we often return to the things of this world that provide us relief, even though we know they are not good for us. It may give us that sense of ease and comfort that we can no longer get because we don’t pick up that first drink.
Now, quite honestly, I have really been trying not to do this. A life of falling short of my own values and morals is no longer comfortable for me. I dropped the shovel many years ago and can quickly correct when I find myself going off course. However, in the next statement, he speaks to me so clearly. He states that even if we are not going to that place of committing “gross sin,” we may still be going to a place where we think we can do life without God. And that is exactly where I have been—feeling lost, sad, afraid—and thinking I have had to handle all of this pain and despair on my own power. This is the grossest sin (think “defect”) of all. Living life without my Higher Power crushes all of my hope.
But there is a great deal of hope. With my Third Step decision, I have a new employer. Even in untreated alcoholism I can surrender and make my decision to turn my thinking and my behavior over to God. I can do this at 18 years just as I did it at 5 months sober. Believe me, it is a powerful experience. God lets me see how I have been struggling to live life on my own—how incredibly lonely it has been. While I have had moments of relief, I have had little consistent peace.
I wanted to share with you some of the hope of the Third Step. This hope is in the Third Step Promises found on page 63 of the Big Book. “When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed:
We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to him and performed His work well.
Established on such a footing, we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs.
More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life.
As we felt new power flow in us
As we enjoyed peace of mind
As we discovered we could face life successfully
As we became conscious of His presence
We began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter.
We were reborn”
I am completely grateful to God for once again smashing my ego. My ego was once again built up and wanted to destroy me. No more. I am having a new experience in the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
*Don’t Give the Enemy a Seat at Your Table: It’s Time to Win the Battle of Your Mind by Louie Giglio
Step Three suggestions for sponsors:
Sponsees should read Ch. 5 “How It Works” pp. 58-60 and complete the Step One and Two review found at the A,B,C’s in the middle of page 60.
Once they are convinced of the A,B,C’s of Steps One and Two, they should read pp. 60-63 (ending with the Step Three Prayer). Journal on this reading.
Pray the Third Step Prayer with the sponsee on your knees (if the sponsee is willing).
Complete the reading for the Step Four resentment inventory immediately following (pp. 63-67). Read this together.
Give the assignment for the four-column resentment inventory. Sponsee can complete this in their journal. Remind them to go across all 4 columns of a resentment before proceeding to the next resentment: Column 1: Who am I angry with? Column 2: What did they do to me? Column 3: What part of self is this affecting (security, sex relations, personal relations, self-esteem, pride) Column 4: Where were we to blame (also referred to as “My Mistakes”)— selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, afraid
Meet in one week to go over the resentment inventory.