We pocket our pride and go to it
Step Five
“Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.”
-Fifth Step Promises (Alcoholics Anonymous p. 75)
I was in my classroom after school Friday. I was putting some extra assignments in binders when a young woman walked into my classroom. I somehow recognized her but could not put a name to her face.
It had been a very busy day that began at 6:30am. I had to turn around 20 short essays before my second class that day. I only had three hours to get them all graded and marked up. I was completely exhausted. I wasn’t sleeping well due to continued relationship turmoil and uncertainty. We had been out of school on and off since returning in January—all due to terrible winter weather. I was not yet back in a routine. Once I got the essays graded, I realized quite a few more homework papers to grade. Then I had a very heavy day of teaching. And I ended my day with grading quizzes from that day and then cleaning up my classroom a little.
And that was the moment she walked in. And then I realized who she was: the young 14-year-old woman who had left my class over two months prior for a treatment program. What I saw before me was a miracle! Her eyes were sparkling, she had grown about two inches, and she looked genuinely happy. I immediately knew that God was showing me a miracle in this person. My whole day changed in that moment. I knew God had done this. He had taken a kid who had experienced such incredible challenges in her personal life that she had to leave school and be hospitalized, and he healed her and gave her new life.
I was so grateful to God in that moment. You see, I had a small part in being useful to this girl while she was gone. We stayed in touch via email about her assignments and what was realistic for her to get done or not done. I encouraged her. I always let her know that I was supporting her. I told her to let me know what she needed—and I meant it. I followed through. I was consistent in my help.
I also put her on my prayer list. I prayed for her every morning in my time with God. And God was demonstrating to me so clearly his power and love. Even a few days later writing this I get tearful. Sometimes God makes such a powerful appearance through another person—and this has reaffirmed my faith in God and his miracles. God is real.
What does this have to do with the Fifth Step? Everything. By taking my first fifth step with my sponsor 18 years ago, the promises started coming true. I came face to face with the selfish and self-centered woman I had always been. I needed to see this. Unless I had humbled myself when I first came into the program, not only would I not have experienced so many of these miracles, but I would probably be drunk and trapped in self once again. It was a very painful way to exist. My willingness to rework the Twelve Steps this year—including a new Fifth Step with my sponsor in December—has given me even more insight into the true value of humility—a humility sometimes lost after many years of sobriety. You see—I am that girl I saw with the sparkling eyes, that student, that young woman with so much promise. That is me. God opened up a new life to me that day through exploring my painful past. And by continuing to work the program I was freed.
God is with me today in all I am doing. By focusing on his will for my life, which includes a great deal of selflessness, I get to see this and other miracles. I am aware of them and of God. Thank you, God, for helping me be useful to another person. I am grateful to be having a new experience in the Twelve Steps.