Where there is love

The fantasy of the one perfect person

“I was sure there had to be somebody in this world who would understand my every mood, always have time for me, and bring a smile to my face. When that individual appeared, I’d finally have the love I deserved. Until then, I had no choice but to wait. Poor me. What a sad and lonely life I had.

Then someone at an Al-Anon meeting used the word ‘gratitude,’ and suddenly this whole scenario began to crumble. When I thought about how much I had to be grateful for, my fantasy showed itself to be no more than a shadow. Reality presented a different picture entirely. There were my friends, the child who comes to me with so much trust, the coworker who reaches out in friendship, the beloved alcoholic in my life, the Al-Anon members who hug me, talk with me, and encourage me. What was I doing with their love? It seemed to me I was brushing it aside for that one imaginary person, or, worse, not noticing it at all.

Today’s Reminder- If I can’t recognize the love that already exists in my life, would I really appreciate receiving more? Let me acknowledge what has already been given to me.”

-Courage to Change December 5

Last night I was at my meeting with my new sponsor. We were sitting at the table just chatting after the meeting. Just a simple conversation of mutual sharing and honesty. It was incredibly powerful for me. I am so loved.

Normally when I repost a reading, it is a snippet from either AA or Al-Anon literature. However, when I tried to find the snippet from today’s Courage to Change, I found nothing to leave out. The entire reading is so important, because it describes me perfectly. I cling to the fantasy of the one perfect love. And I fail to realize that I have love all around me. Like the time spent with my sponsor. Or the time in the car with my sponsee. Or on a Zoom call with a sponsee in a different country doing step work. Or talking with a student after school who just came in to say “Hi!”. Love is all around me, and yet I don’t recognize it because I am still looking for the “One” to fulfil all of my hopes and dreams.

Clinging to the belief that there is someone outside of myself that will fulfill me is codependent thinking. I used to really hate that word. When a therapist brought this up years ago, I was completely offended. But most if not all of us who have been gravely affected by another person’s addiction are codependent. It is no more of a moral failing than being an alcoholic. If I can accept my alcoholism as a disease today and not judge myself for having a disease, then maybe I can be open-minded enough to see my codependent characteristics as stemming from a disease. How does the disease of alcoholism and either growing up in alcoholism or loving an alcoholic as an adult affect me? What I have discovered about myself is that I have very low self-esteem combined with obsession with other people and their actions. I tend to personalize everything a person I claim to love does—that they are doing it to me. I cling to that person for happiness instead of searching for it within myself. I make another person my Higher Power. They are who I worship instead of God.

My attitudes toward love relationships for my entire life have been based on my own codependency. I cannot let go or I feel completely lost. However, when I can look up and beyond my own self-centeredness, I can finally see that there is so much love all around me. My warped thinking, however, tells me it is not the “right kind” of love—and that is the fantasy. For a long time I have felt embarrassed and ashamed of this. I have longed to will myself out of my codependent and obsessive thinking. But that doesn’t work. These character defects are hard-wired from years of the effects of alcoholism in my life. I have the awareness today that it will take a long time to unwind these attitudes. But I have made a start, and that is so important. I will be surrendering this unhealthy thinking and behavior to God for probably the rest of my life, making a little progress and then backsliding on a regular basis. I believe this is what they call “growth.” Awareness always precedes acceptance.

I heard a different take on the slogan “Let go and let God” last week that has stayed with me. I can switch the order of the phrase and “Let God help me let go.” I love that, because I do really need God’s help. In the meantime, it’s practice makes progress—and I will use my own experience to help the next suffering person. Amen.