Where There is Wrong

The spirit of forgiveness

“Where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.”

-Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p. 99 (Prayer of St. Francis)

It is impossible to forgive when all I can see is the wrong you have done to me. And in that state, I am permanently stuck: stuck in anger, fear, and the need for revenge. God is blocked in my spirit of unforgiveness. And once again I am living quite alone in a cold and indifferent world.

For me, forgiveness has been much more of a process than a single act. I read everywhere in my spiritual books about forgiveness and the need to forgive, like I could possibly do it with my own will. That same power of the will that tried and tried to stop drinking. That same power of the will that tried and tried to stop obsessing over the alcoholic. That is the same will that you want me to forgive with? No. For alcoholics and alanonics, our brains just do not work this way. We need a different answer.

Which is why we have the Twelve Steps. The Twelve Steps include a simple process towards forgiveness. They do this because they take my self-will out of the process and replace it with the Power of God. Yes, of my own strength I cannot possibly forgive, but with God’s power, yes, I can.

Steps One, Two, and Three are the initial steps that begin to lay a foundation for forgiveness. I admit that I am powerless over alcohol and/or alcoholics. In my quest to live on self-propulsion, my life has become very unmanageable. Alcohol is just a symbol of an already unruly life. When I can then set aside my prejudice about what God should look like and be in Step Two, keeping an open mind, a vision of a Higher Power that could actually work in my life becomes a better, more workable guiding force. With this personal and acceptable conception of a Higher Power, I can much more easily turn my will and life over to that Power’s care and protection in Step Three.

Then there is Step Four. Yes, I need to clean house. I need to clean out all the muck that has been building up in my life for a very long time. Just as with cleaning an actual house, I get out the vacuum and the duster. I get out the mop. I put the dishes into the dishwasher and wipe down the counters. I have taken stock of the mess that was my home and have made it sparkly clean. That is all inventory is. It’s taking each instance, each situation that has been bothering me and getting it down on paper. Some of these spots for intense scrubbing are people and situations I am pretty angry about. Some of the stains in the carpet are the things I constantly worry about. Sometimes the build-up on the windows are the situations in which I have harmed another person and think about consistently and sometimes constantly. And it fucks me up inside. All of these things make me feel like crap and have me in this state of depression and low-level anger. Even when I stop drinking and start going to meetings, all of the mess that is my home just sits with me in the dirt and dust. I cannot seem to get the will to clean it all up.

But then one day I have had enough. I get out my pencil and notebook and do what it says in the Big Book. I write my columns. I am thorough. I do this over several days and then one day my inventory is done. I cry sometimes when I am writing. It brings up a lot of memories. Before too long, I am calling up my sponsor and letting them know that I am ready: ready to share these pages. Ready to share my fourth step. I was brave in writing it, and my newfound friend, my Higher Power, will give me the courage to share it.

And suddenly I feel a real part of my program, like an actual member. I know for certain that I am going to continue this process.

I start praying for God to remove all of the things that are blocking me from God. I make a list of all of the people I had harmed and another list of all of the attitudes that are getting in my way of living a happy and purposeful life. I suddenly start getting hope—like real hope that this program does in fact work. I follow my sponsor’s suggestions and start making amends, one at a time. Sometimes my sponsor has me sit down face to face with a person, sometimes my sponsor has me writing a letter or making a phone call. I don’t have to think too much about how I am going to make amends, because my sponsor is kind and wise. My sponsor knows how I am going to do it. And so I do it.

And something really magical and unexpected happens. I see myself. I see myself in the amends. I see where my self showed up. I am accountable. I am responsible. Even when I did nothing wrong, I carried the hurt around with me for many years. I feel like I am growing up. I am feeling freedom for the first time in so many years.

I am able to forgive.

With alcoholics and alanonics, people who are chronic and really have this disease, this is the only way. With that acceptance today, that perhaps I really do belong in AA or Al-Anon, I will choose to trust and do this process.

Dear Reader: Thank you for reading my post. Each step has an embodied principle. The principle embodied in Step Four is Courage, and in Step Nine is Justice. My new book, Practicing These Principles by Jamey M, has many readings on courage and justice. May God grant you courage in the upcoming year to take a look at your Program and to do the work wherever needed. May God give you perseverance and hope. May your faith be made stronger as you trudge this path. You are not alone. -Jamey M.