While I'm Waiting

The beauty of God's perfect timing

“At no time had we asked what God’s will was for us; instead we began telling him what it ought to be. No man, we saw, could believe in God and defy Him, too. Belief meant reliance, not defiance.”

-Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p. 32 (Step Two)

I had a very rough spring this year.  As a result, I started going to a lot more meetings than usual.  And I shared openly and honestly about my pain and recovery from that pain.  That has always been one of my gifts—I can share what is really going on inside of me without fear.  Both AA and Al-Anon have always been programs that have saved my life, and this brings a great deal of humility to this ego-driven heart. 

As a result of all of the meetings and sharing, I somehow ended up with seven sponsees.  I say somehow because my ability to attract and say yes to these women was definitely initiated by a couple of factors.  The first was that I really wanted to help these women who were struggling the way I was. The second was that I just needed to get me off me.  I was completely obsessed with myself and my emotions.  Other-centeredness continues to be the cure for self-centeredness.  Between January and May I took on four newcomers to AA and Al-Anon in addition to my three current AA sponsees.  Most of these new women were in Al-Anon, which was a new experience for me.  But my problem at this point was definitely an Al-Anon problem: my inability to see and accept alcoholism in another person. 

Over the next several months I had the joy—as well as incredible impatience and expectations—of taking these four women through the work.  I say impatience because I was on a timeline.  I had the summer off and a goal that all sponsees would be done with step work (on Step Nine) and would not need me as much once the new school year started.  I made a plan.

And God laughed. 

By the end of the summer, I was in a lot of self-centered fear.  I had a great fear that I just wouldn’t have enough time to meet the needs of these recovering women.  Never once did I consider that God would and could make a way.  That is what fear does, though—it blocks out God entirely.  What has happened is that I have always had enough time to meet each sponsee at the point of her need.  And I have completely taken my hands off of some artificial timeline for which they need to complete their step work.  This is up to the sponsee, not the sponsor.  I have already completed my step work with my sponsor.  This journey is truly theirs, not mine. 

Once again, God was able to show me that his timing is perfect.  I can relax and easy and give up the struggle.  Yes, it does take a lot of my time to effectively sponsor, but that takes me out of self-centeredness, selfishness, and self-pity like nothing else can.  I am taking the time to work with others and am relieved during this time of the bondage of self.  It’s a great deal for an alcoholic and Al-Anon of my type. 

Waiting is hard.  This is something I remember about being new.  It is something that is reinforced in my experience every time I listen to a newcomer.  And what do I mean by newcomer?  There is a joke among my sober friends that you are new until you are ten years sober.  I know this sounds ridiculous, but most of us find that many of our problems tend to persist at some level until that time.  Of course each year it gets a little better, but with each year there also seems to be new opportunities for growth as well.  And so the struggle continues.  I think what happens is that we start to expect more of ourselves with each new sober milestone.  And once we realize we have a new goal, we want it NOW.  We become impatient that our new dream doesn’t come to fruition in our time.  We struggle as we wait on God.

This was my experience with the break-up last year.  I wanted to feel better immediately.  I got really tired of feeling like crap.  I was doing all of the right things for my program but was still operating by some pretty intense self-will in my love life.  This slowed down my progress, but, in retrospect, that all needed to happen in order for me to finally heal.  And to finally see what I really wanted out of a love relationship with a man.  I had to explore a lot of “don’t wants” in order to find what I did want.  That was growth as well. 

My impatience really comes from my expectations.  I expect others to be where I need them to be to feel better about myself—which is just another way of explaining away my selfishness.  If you do it my way and in my timing, then I will be happy.  Once again I am trying to wrest satisfaction out of trying to manage well—and no one is buying it. 

Call it control or call it managing.  It is all based in selfishness—for the alcoholic as well as the Al-Anon.  God shows us another way.  He was so patient with me through all of my self-will.  He never left my side at any point of my life.  Even when I had completely blocked God off, his presence was there, just waiting patiently for me. 

And God continues to be so patient.  Perhaps, in turn, I can set selfishness aside and be patient for those who have asked for my help.  Perhaps I can be useful to another suffering person today.  God will give me the time and the power.  I cannot possibly lose when I trust in him with sponsorship.